Kung Fu Kitten

Actually haven’t seen very much recently, but what I have, I’ve enjoyed….ok that’s not strictly true as The Painted Veil, starring Ed Norton and Naomi Watts was a very tired picture. It was recommended for those who saw The English Patient, a movie which I regarded with snoring and stabbing out of eyes, but because I’ve got this fangled unlimited card, I go and see things I wouldn’t actually pay for normally….so I saw this. The plot is that a doctor named Walter Fane (Norton) is in need of a wife. So he attends some high class London party and sees Kitty somebody or other and the next days asks her to marry him. She (stupidly) says yes and they travel off together to Shanghai where Walter has taken a post. She has an affair while he’s working and as punishment he takes her to work deep in China in a convent during a cholera epidemic. Wooo hoooo!!! Fun ahoy I hear you cry….no, I’m afraid not….it’s all doom and gloom and it even ends that way too…don’t see it….you will loose the will to live. 1 outta 5.

The other movie I saw was the oustandingly-outlandishly-ridiculously funny Blades of Glory starring none other than funny man Will Ferrell and assisting him Jon Heder (of School for Scoundrels and Napoleon Dynamite fame). The plot goes: In 2002, two rival Olympic ice skaters were stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from men’s single competition. Presently, however, they’ve found a loophole that will allow them to qualify as a pairs team. This film is just wonderful with great performances from both Heder and Ferrell. They have a good balance of comedy acting and thankfully don’t try to outdo one another. Ferrell’s “Chazz Michaels Michaels” is a big butch love machine, while Heders “Jimmy MacElroy” is a pink piece of camp with the Farrah Fawcett hairdo to match. Love it! It is totally out there with some brilliant one liners, including, “I could never love a human baby the way I love this hair brush”. That one had me rolling in the aisles for a good 10 minutes after Ferrell had said it. The ending is mind-boggling but on the whole it is a farcical slapstick, no harm to anyone film. Enjoy it for what it is kids…..a whopping 4 outta 5!!

Ok, so my mate and I were travelling into town to go to the movies and to get there we have to use the M8 motorway (of DOOOOM!). While happily travelling and yammering about stuff and nonsense, as girls most regularly do, I happened to look at the big pimp mobile next to me (my mate was driving just incase the fuzz read this!). It was a big blue brand spanking Honda Accord, the big mean looking one, with the chrome rimes and big fat tyres. The guy driving was clearly all dopped up (we liking the street talk?) on himself in a major way. He was wearing a pair of ‘Chips’ (the motorcycle prog from the 70’s) sunglasses and he just looked like a total wang but I don’t think that would ever stop him clearly loving himself the way he did. The punchline to my already amused disposition came when I looked at his number plate and it said….wait for it……..EA5Y!!!! I nearly wet myself with laughter and for those unwitting friends who know my laugh, it was at least 15 decibels louder due to the comedy factor. I actually think the guy heard me from his car while travelling at 70 mph. My mate and I continued to laugh at this for the majority of the evening and commented on the audacity and total pretenciousness of people actually purchasing something so ridiculous and frankly wankish.

HOWEVER!!! The hilarity was not to end there and on exiting the cinema, a Carrera was sitting right outside the cinema looking all expensive and sporty and I did comment on what a gorgeous car it was….until I saw the number plate……which said……wait for it!!!……this takes the biscuit!!!…….H0RNY!!!!!!!!! Again with the pant wetting moment, the decibel level and the thankfulness that the driver wasn’t there to hear my laugh reveberate all around town just from the observation of his ghastly number plate.

So kids, the moral of this story, please keep a look out for the most ridiculous number plates you can, report back to me and we’ll have some sort of awards ceremony. Then we’ll go hunt them down and set the cars on fire!!!

Managed to get on the guest list for Kings of Leon (thank you Sus!) at the Carling last night. This was the third time I have seen them in a number of years and it has to be said that they are still one of the best live bands on the circuit. The place was absolutely stowed out with neds, rockers, trendies and me and big Davie….at times it got so mental that I felt a little claustraphobic, but hey I guess that’s what it feels when the Carling gets to capacity. I also got showered in beer about 6 times throughout the evening which wasn’t too pleasant but part of the atmosphere.

Anyways, the band played a fantastic mix of all three albums they have out; ‘Youth and Young Manhood’, ‘AHA Shake Heartbreak’ and the newly released ‘Because of the Times’. Their image has changed a lot, especially front man Caleb Followill’s, but who wouldn’t when you’re dating Rod Stewarts oldest daughter. The music itself though sounds a lot more stylised and studio tweeked, although when they played their earlier albums they still had the raw edge that made them famous in the first place. The whole place was a rammy when they played the infamous ‘4 Kicks’. (Which of course if my favourite) and they came onto to ‘encore’ 4 more songs which was excellent. It ended by Caleb sharing that he was dreading going back to America to tour as he wouldn’t find a crowd like the one he finds in Glasgow everytime they tour……

Jet could take a leaf out of these guys book! 5 outta 5 for this mighty Nashville fourpiece.

Sooooo, went to see Curse of the Golden Flower, directed by Yimou Zhang who is most known for Hero and Raise the Red Lanterns. As always I had high hopes, high hopes for stunning cinematography, spectacular martial arts moments and a good solid plot line……ohhhh how let down I was. It was nowhere near as beautiful as Hero, although the Forbidden City is pretty spectacular, nor as good story wise as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon….it let me down on all sides and to make matters worse the acting was just rotten, Chow Yun Fat was horrendous which was a major disappointment as he always acts his backside off, as was Gong Li (who starred in Miami Vice, Memoirs of a Geisha and the crazy 2046).

Basically the story goes that the Emperor (Fat) has returned from the front lines in battle to reunite his family. He has three sons, and the Empress (Li), whom he is slowly poisoning to death cause he doesn’t really like her, has been having an illicit affair with her the middle son (the step son whom she isn’t the mother, but it’s all still pretty nasty!). Nobody likes each other and all hell breaks loose when the Empress decides to bring down the Emperor…..it just sucks…I give it a generous 2 outta 5. Please avoid it with a barge pole unless you really like torturing yourself!

Well finally got to see 300 and yowza, it was everything Guy Incognito described and then some!!! It was an utter porn fest for both men and women, but especially women. Naked Spartans everywhere looking naked and buff…..it was like looking at a 300 strong troop of Chippendales! Outstanding!

Altogether this is a fanastic movie….lots of action and hilarious moments, especially when the highly camp Xerxes turns up….laugh laugh laugh!! I loved it. For a more concise review please see Guy Incognito’s version….it’s so much better and doesn’t mention the word ‘porn’!

To my surpise today I found out that a sequel to the glorious Night Watch will be released if the third in the trilogy (Twilight Watch or Final Watch as it is known in Russia) is successful in it’s home country of CCCR.

I also found out that they are originally novels by the Russian author Sergei Lukyanenko. And you can purchase them from your handy local retailer for quite a bit of cash as they are imports and translated! However, back to the film. The Day Watch trailer can be found on the Apple website and to be honest looks quite spanking and fine so check it out. I think we should maybe get some sort of petition up and running to have it released on our (not so) fair shores. Who’s with me??

PS Also off to see 300 2nite. It better be good GI or you’re gettin’ it!

Amazing Grace.  I felt that this was not the best title to lure non-Christians into the cinema in order to watch the historical battle by William Wilberforce to abolish the slave trade in 1833 (a good 15 years after the bill was put to parliament).  And I was right.  My friend (who is also a Christian) accompanied me, and I thought on entry to the screen that we would pretty much be the only people present.  Oh how wrong I was.  The place was utterly stowed out with the most middle class Christans I have ever seen and to say the least is was a painful experience……PAINFUL!  Between the tesco bag rustlings and the repeated hilarity whenever William or his mates made any profound statements I was totally distracted away from the films contents.

Of the parts that I did catch, it was pretty badly directed.  Lots of flitting from 15 years prior to ‘present day’ and the only way you could tell were the bags under William’s eyes…..hmmmmm…..also, it made it look as though pretty much he and a small band of followers were the ones to make this radical change.  When it was actually the people on the street and many of slaves who were owned by the British Empire who did the work.  Youssou N’Dour was horribly underused as a slave who had gained his freedom and went on to fight the good fight, writing his accounts and selling them on the street.  He disappeared half way through the film and we were told in a ‘by the way’ fashion that he had died (with absolutely no pomp or ceremony from his friends!).  I did not feel the love! 

There were a couple of touching moments, which informed me on things I had never realised before;  Like the fact that the hymn ‘Amazing Grace’ was written by a slave ship master (John Newton) who had witnessed so many atrocities and so much death that he saw the light, converted to Christianity and became a monk.  He supported Willberforce in his fight and also wrote him memoirs about the times on the ships in order to make some difference to people’s opinions on keeping slaves.

On the whole though, it wasn’t great.  Badly directed, badly edited and on the whole cheesy.  The ending is cringeworthy and instead of drawing tears to my eyes, I merely sank down in my chair.  I give it 3 outta 5….it’s harsh but true.

If you want to read about the true account of the slave abolition click on the link below for Make Slavery History  http://www.pressureworks.org/frontline/features/190207_oc.html

Managed to squeeze in a couple of movies over the last fine weekend.  Saw ‘Becoming Jane’ and ‘Ghost Rider’.

I have to say that i had my doubts about Becoming Jane, especially since Anne Hathaway was starring as Jane Austen.  She started out in Disney films (hssssssss!) so as usual, I have no respect for anyone going into the ’serious’ movie route after Disney!!! (Ack!).  HOwever, I have to eat my words as she did extremely well and was a perfect pick for the film.  There wasn’t a hint of American accent, in fact she had the local dialect down to a ‘T’!  James McAvoy was very good as the scoundrel who comes to town and eventually falls in love with Jane and of course Julie Walters and James Cromwell gave solid performances as Jane’s parents.

This is a nicely paced biography and I would recommend it for those mushy girly days.  It is definetly not one for the guys as the dude who was on my left with his girlfriend fell asleep about 20 minutes into the film….I laughed heartily though!  I give it 4 out of 5.

 Also saw Ghost Rider the same evening and to be honest to totally blew.  I didn’t know what to expect from it being a Marvel.  Would it be all X-Men serious or would it have a little more humour????  Unfortunately I found it all humourous like ‘Snakes on a Plane’ humourous.  There wasn’t a moment that wasn’t cheesed up to the gills, and between Nicholas Cage’s hair piece (which was wrong, wrong, wrong!) and his bike that made horse sounds like ‘neeeeiiiggghhh’ and ‘brrr brrr’ (cringe!) it was a terrible piece of film making.  Even Eva Mendes was bad, acting like a school girl most of the time.  I think that on the whole it was bad direction cause the CGI moments (like when Nicholas Cage first turns into the Ghost Rider) were amazing, and serious moments.  The baddies were just a cheesey, (earth, wind, fire and water) and I kept laughing inappropriately whenever Satan appeared on the screen.  He was just so funny, although i don’t think he was meant to be!  I know it’s open for a sequel, but please God, don’t let it happen!  1 outta 5.

Sooooooo, went to see Jet in the Carling Academy on saturday night.  I was all giddy with excitement as their current album (Shine On) is pretty spectacular as albums go.

Got to the gig a little early and managed to catch the end of the support acts’ set, the strangely named The Checks who hail from New Zealand.  They were pretty good as support acts go.  The crowd responded really well to them and they were very intuative to each other and the audience, which is a confidence missing from many current bands.  Plus, when flailing around all flailed in a wave like pattern looked very cool.  The only thing that concerned me was the lead singers Poirot like moustache and the fact that the bassest had more stage presence and charisma than him……hmmmmmm.  They also sounded like The Doors but with a modern funky twist.  I did like them much.

But never mind about them, I was here to see and hear the mighty Jet!!!  Yes the mighty Jet who are still an up and coming band, still trying to really break Britain, if not the world and who have a lot to proove, but with two quality albums under their belts, they could do no wrong…….or could they???

Well, for starters, they didn’t come on when promised.  Instead some poor ejjit got shoved out onto the stage once the booing and hissing began, not to mention the beer throwing, to try and coerse the crowd into not destroying the venue or indeed the stage packed with many expensive guitars.  He proceeded to shout, “I’ve got good news and bad news, the bad news is, Jet are stuck on the motorway and aren’t going to make, but the good news is…..you’ve got me!!!”  You will no doubt realise what the reaction was to this…..the booing, throwing of beer and chanting “Jet” got more mental and madcapped, but the wee guy was a quick thinker, he proceeded to attempt to play “Are you gonna be my girl” on air guitar to entertain the audience…..about 2 minutes into this madness when the wee guy was sure he was gonna loose his life, Jet stumbled (and I do mean stumbled, not to mentioned staggered)on stage and attempted to locate their instruments.  A dark air of foreboding came over me.

(Sorry I’m gonna have to cut this short.  I just spent 45 minutes on this review for my computer to crash when I hit publish…..I feel sick and cannot type everything out again….in short, Jet are drunks who have gone from potential rock gods to fallen amateurs and The Eagles of Death metal were totally awesome.  Jesse Hughes is a frontman to end all frontmen.  They rocked my world and I cannot wait to see the bands crazed antics in the future….now if you’ll excuse me I need to throw my pc out the window……)

It’s almost the weekend!  And I get to go and see the mighty JET at the fandooby Carling Academy on saturday night which I am sooooo looking foward to, and I also get to see the completely mental Eagles of Death Metal at the ABC on monday.  I’m quite curious to see the ABC now that it is a gig venue and not a cinema.  I remember back in the day when I went to see many a movie there, including Batman and Ghostbusters…..now those were movies.  However, has anyone been to the ABC since it’s transformation????  Any good???